"Welcome to the Dark Side"

My apologies, my apologies. Please forgive me, I know that I have been absent for far far too long. It's just that my work finally caught up to me. For the past four months, I have been out in LA working on a new plot to destroy the spirit, minds and sanity of Americans everywhere. That's right, I have been working on a new Fox show, THE OC, as executive producer. Oh yes, this horrible horrible hour long melodrama is all me. Now my brothers in the Taliban may be making up taking credit for the whole east coast blackout, but you have to know that this fall series is all me, because "you're in the OC now." And what more emo of a show could I do? This is the saddest, most apethedic series ever created on Fox. It's wonderful.

Now I know that most of you are wondering "EMOsama, where did you get such an awful awful idea for a show, and how did you get that RealEstate King from American Beauty to play the father?" Well, basically I stole the idea from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (lost kid moving out to california for a second chance), turned all the characters white, and gave it to Fox...they did the rest.

Now the greatest thing is Fox News. Since the start of this wonderful program, at least 15 minutes of every fox news broadcast has been devoted to promoting my little orange time bomb. What better advertising than news can you get?

Now I am sorry that some of you have seen my darker side, or "screamo" side in the creation of this series. But fear not, EMOsama is still your lovable, downtrodden emotional terrorist that he always was. And nothing can stop that, not even a Mark, a Mission, a Brand or a Scar.

--EMOsama

Well thanks to a comment from one of my readers, I have discovered that another is posing as me on Xanga. You may be asking yourself, why would someone do that?"

Well, let me tell you, this is all a part of my plan. You see, since Saddam has body doubles, and so did Stalin and Rush Limbaugh, I didn't want to be the only evil dictator/terrorist out there NOT on the bandwagon. I mean come on...I'm all about bandwagons! So you see, he is there for my protection, and my protection alone.

Anyway, on to more important things. Has anyone seen that movie Phone Booth? Essentially the director set up a camera on one side of a busy New York block and shot an hour and a halfs worth of footage across the street. I swear, the scene does not change the entire film. Anyway, that is just me ranting. But in all seriousness, I just bought the MTV2 Unplugged Dashboard Confessional CD/DVD and I found out that Mr. Carrabbabbabaaba is going on tour with Beck. Well, let's just say that if you are the FBI, the search wont last much longer because I will be at the front, baby, screaming along to every word.

--EMOsama

Today marks my first in Austin, TX. Previously, I had been traversing the U.S. for about the past year or so in search of the perfect Hey Mercedes show. About a month ago I found one up in Louisville, KY that blew my mind. They were opening up for Cursive, and I had never seen a Midwest crowd more into it: the lighting was perfect, acoustics incomparable and black extra small hoodies only $13. Needless to say, I bought two.

Also, I have been laying low, avoiding the authorities and trying in vain to join a Cap’n Jazz side project. Tim and Mike Kinsella can really be jerks when you are one of the biggest at large criminals in history, and when I tried to latch on as drummer to Tim’s newly formed Friend/Enemy, I was noted as one of the enemies. Regardless, it did not end all bad, as I soon found out that Joan of Arc was getting back together and they invited me on the road with them as a guitar tech. Now I had never worked with guitars before, but I boasted of extreme precision in bomb making and wiring, and soon I had wired up Sam Zurik a Fender that could blow the high-tops off of the Elliott bass player, and he’s a big guy.

Anyway, back to Austin. After touring with Joan of Arc for a few weeks, old mainstream Tom Ridge decided to raise up the terrorist alert level and the Kinsella’s started getting all nervous. Before I knew it, I was kicked out quicker than the guitarist from Saves the Day. That’s when I heard that Chris Simpson, the lead singer of emo-rock prodigy Mineral, was working in a little café just off I-35 in Austin. At the time, I was only about seven hours away in Oklahoma, so I hitched a ride with some loser named Kweller and ended up in Austin before daybreak.

I walked into this little diner about 6 am, only an hour before they started serving alcohol. It was okay though because I had time to kill and they were rocking out to the new Further Seems Forever. Man, what an amazing album. I never thought that pretty boy Jason Gleason could match the vocals of my idol Chris Carrabba, but their song “How to Start a Fire” blew me away. It also made me think back to the last fire I started, just a few weeks ago in a Columbian night club. Man, good times. Anyway, I’m in this diner eating some eggs, over easy, and over walks Chris Simpson. My God, this guy was a god! I tried to order some more coffee, but all that came out was “I love The Gloria Record.” He politely smiled and asked if I needed any more jelly. “Yes,” I said. “Mixed fruit.”

Well after that embarrassment, what could I do? I quickly left the diner, made a rough tape denouncing America and any impending allies, and embraced Austin culture. Currently I spend most of my days hiding out in the used section at Waterloo, but I plan on resurfacing soon for the live Juliana Theory acoustic set at Tower.

I'm so sorry!

Man, I have been so caught up in American Idol that I totally forgot to post. How about tonight's episode! Wow, the fued between the hot Texas girl and the too tanned Brittany Spears look alike was intense! I am rooting for the Texas girl, but sadly they both made it to the next round.

And what about that Simon. More like xSimonx. He is the most emo pop star critic I know. Most of them are like Paula Abdul, all impressed by the cheesy stuff like "oooh someone sang the Titanic song again," but man that Simon he brings out the sad in everyone. Now if only someone could get him to tell that Ben Kweller feller how horrible he is.

--xXEMOsamaXx